Saturday, June 11, 2011

The Me Party Platform

All that I've achieved, I've achieved alone—including my ability to write these lines. To tax my achievements is theft.

"Women's health" is a euphemism for slaughtering children.

Good government programs should be referred to as "my _________," as in: "Don't touch my Medicare!" or "Hands off my Social Security!" Everything else is welfare, destroys the moral backbone of the nation, and should be eliminated. If I can't call it mine, it shouldn't exist.

When in doubt, incarcerate.

If we must choose between privatizing schools and privatizing prisons, do both.

"The arts" is a euphemism for what gays do to each other.

Sex should only happen between a married man and woman or between an adult citizen and the flag.

Any drug that I don't use, or that I haven't used since college, or that wasn't produced by a multinational corporation, should be illegal.

Spare no expense when invading other countries. A truly great country invades another country regularly—at least once per president. As with men in general, a strong president invades; a weak president withdraws.

I am a well-regulated militia.

If you don't understand any of this, you're in a tax-induced coma. The best antidote for that coma is a corporate news channel. News agencies owned by billionaires reliably speak truth to power.

Jesus is the founding member of the Me Party.

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