Chewing Gum: I'm so full of sexual energy that I must find a way to dissipate it.
Wearing a Hat: I would be taller, but I've chosen this height by capping myself with this hat.
Spitting: If I could, I would kill you, as you are trespassing into my territory, but circumstances beyond my control force me to restrain myself.
Shaving One's Head: My baldness is a choice, and not, as you might imagine, a sign of my biological decline.
Gelled Hair: I have the purity of the just-baptized.
Baggy Clothes: Today I'm smaller than usual. Most days my clothing fits me.
Walking Slowly: The rest of you are so unspeakably boring that I can barely manage to function.
Walking Quickly: I'm in such high demand that I've neglected my own life.
Sitting with One's Legs Open: I have no where else to put it!
Sitting with One's Legs Crossed: You're all lucky I'm keeping this thing under control.
Obesity: The body must reflect the scale of one's soul.
Thinness: I forgo the pleasures of this world in pursuit of the divine.
Groomed/Stylized Facial Hair: My whiskers, like everything else about me, reflect my natural symmetry.
Ungroomed Facial Hair: My masculine sexuality sprouts out of me everywhere.
A Clean Shave: I'm innocent of all charges.
Groomed/Shaved Pubic Hair: A king controls the teeming masses.
Wearing Sunglasses Inside: If you'd had the night I had, you'd be wearing sunglasses too.