Thursday, April 22, 2010

Brief Theories of Male Behavior

Chewing Gum: I'm so full of sexual energy that I must find a way to dissipate it.

Wearing a Hat: I would be taller, but I've chosen this height by capping myself with this hat.

Spitting: If I could, I would kill you, as you are trespassing into my territory, but circumstances beyond my control force me to restrain myself.

Shaving One's Head: My baldness is a choice, and not, as you might imagine, a sign of my biological decline.

Gelled Hair: I have the purity of the just-baptized.

Baggy Clothes: Today I'm smaller than usual. Most days my clothing fits me.

Walking Slowly: The rest of you are so unspeakably boring that I can barely manage to function.

Walking Quickly: I'm in such high demand that I've neglected my own life.

Sitting with One's Legs Open: I have no where else to put it!

Sitting with One's Legs Crossed: You're all lucky I'm keeping this thing under control.

Obesity: The body must reflect the scale of one's soul.

Thinness: I forgo the pleasures of this world in pursuit of the divine.

Groomed/Stylized Facial Hair: My whiskers, like everything else about me, reflect my natural symmetry.

Ungroomed Facial Hair: My masculine sexuality sprouts out of me everywhere.

A Clean Shave: I'm innocent of all charges.

Groomed/Shaved Pubic Hair: A king controls the teeming masses.

Wearing Sunglasses Inside: If you'd had the night I had, you'd be wearing sunglasses too.


  1. Is this all about you?

  2. I suppose that it must be. Or can't be. Or would be, if I were sufficiently male.